Obedience is my cross, and so far I have been too stubborn and willful to take it up. In the quiet of my prayers and meditation, I can imagine that I am/will be obedient. It's a complete delusion. Occasionally the mask slips revealing my dark, cold shame. Even when faced with my guilt, however, I still do not shake off my pride and resentment. Instead, I cling to it as if my arrogance will save me from having to live my creed--to trust in God. I turn my head away and choose delusion over truth, pride over humility, separation over union. Even as I turn away in self-denial, my dis-ease is instantly denser and more formidable. But there has not been any metanoia, because I am a foolish woman.
Face to the sea, I hear the wind calling me to truth
Close your eyes and dream beneath the warmth of skies of blue
Longing to rest my weary bone
So long the path, O be still my soul
My God knows well my groping and sadness, and so keeps setting before me the signposts of my path and His will for me.
Today I heard a recording of the sermon given by Bishop Edward Slattery at a Mass celebrating the fifth anniversary of Pope Benedict's pontificate. The Bishop said:
The mystery then, of which we speak, is the light that shines in the darkness, Christ Our Lord, Who reveals Himself most wondrously to those who suffer so that suffering and death can do nothing more than bring us to the mercy of the Father.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on me and on the whole world.
And these words from a blog that I follow:
"All along, let us remember, we are not asked to understand, but simply to obey...
'And only Heaven is better than to walk with Christ at midnight, over moonless seas--'
I couldn't feel frightened then. Praise Him for the moonless seas--all the better the opportunity for proving Him to be indeed the El Shaddai, 'the God who is Enough.'"
Let me add my own word of witness to hers and to that of the tens of thousands who have learned that He is indeed Enough. He is not all we would ask for (if we were honest), but it is precisely when we do not have what we ask for, and only then, that we can clearly perceive His all-sufficiency. It is when the sea is moonless that the Lord has become my Light."
Jesus I trust in You. Help my lack of trust.
Jesus, free me from the shackles of my pride, unite me with your Sacred Heart, and fill me with the grace to abandon myself to your will for me.
My soul is full of whispered song;
My Blindness is my sight;
The shadows that I feared so long
Are all alive with light. --Alice Cary